["is it a choking feeling?"]
so i was at the hospital all day yesterday. saturday night b and ashley went to a drum/bass/jungle show in dever. i was going to go, but i ended up working instead. brandon OD'd and has to be in the hospital for three days at least. i was there with him all day. talking to social workers and nurses and police. watching my brother in that state... i can't even explain how it felt. i was so scared that he wasn't going to make it and so upset when he was showing signs of being okay. upset because i was seeing first hand of how messed up he was. he said he was trying to hurt himself and wanted to die. it's just the worst feeling ever. feels like my chest is caving in and i'm about to vomit. i can't even imagine how he feels. my mom wasn't around at all yesterday so she didn't know until about seven last night. she said, "well, i'm not going there. he just wants attention." i wanted to throw things at her, but i tried to stay calm. i guess it was just so much for me to deal with... finding out... going to see him... waiting for hours just to see him again and talking to arron and ashley the whole time about death and substance abuse and why and my mom's role in all of it. all brandon was saying was, "i'm so selfish. i'm sorry." he told me he loved me so many times. yesterday was a horrible day and today i'm not going to school. i'm just going to sit all day and think i guess.
- posted by angela @ 12:52 PM