[my life without you will be exhausted by the burden of this question and this question alone]
i'm consumed with thought. i couldn't even entertain you with my constant buzzing of meaningless words. i couldn't even explain myself or my vague sentences. i am sick. i am odious. i have become myself again. my old self. hello, angie. so much distaste in those two syllables. how about fuck you? i say fuck you too much. i don't say it enough. i say i love you too much. i don't say it enough. so this sickness... it's pain, it's disgust, but it's not regret. i am killing myself. slow and painful. you kill yourself, too. i could have died with you. when i'm alone i sit and think to myself. words. my life is just a bunch of words that mean everything and nothing. i'm just a girl afraid of herself. afraid that one day i really will have to wake up. one day...
have you ever been scared to death? have you ever felt your heart beat so hard that you wondered how it still in your chest? have you ever opened your eyes to a world shaded in a red so deep that you thought you discovered a new color? those are my experiences every time i wake up. with every new line i cut out, i erase memories. i lay silent and still. after our 48 minutes of sharing i lay naked and staring. i watch for spiders. i watch for anything that will move because i cannot. paralysis from concentration. you love my disassociative disorder. you love to keep me random. you need me like that. i don't want to be her anymore. man and wife, the former, has not held it's promises. i want to create. i have paralleled their words to my life too many times. assumptions and analysis has left us where we are now. where we go from here is uncertain. for now. maybe tomorrow black and white will play tug of war, but tonight i want to be stuck in my gray. content in my familiarity. the drops of tears and blood will keep me company. for now. i want to be alone for now.
- posted by angela @ 7:38 PM