[close enough to feel your words. far enough to read your flesh]
i could write about last weekend. i could write about jacob leaving. i could write about not sleeping. i could write about not eating. i could write about not feeling.
i met some new people... people that i could easily never see again. saw some people i thought i'd never see again. those guys... justin, arron, nick, clint, tony, chuck, ed [the make-up slut]... some great conversations were had. travis, dave starr, jeff, michelle, josh... i'm sick of meeting people that live too far away. friday morning was memorable. got to see "the real joe". interesting. i wish stephany was there.
jacob leaves in seven days. this frustrates me. i can't write about this. i can't think about this.
tim is gone. everyone i want to be near is in or going to san diego.
couples make me sick lately. phil's girlfriend is visiting from pennsylvania. they are adorable. reminds me of the times when i came to visit...
fuck.
i am so scattered. i'm counting the days again. twelve until michael is back. the rain hasn't stopped. for this i am glad.
i remember everything so clearly now... entire conversations we've had. your eyes on me. things we've done. the aquarium, the tree, our bed, movies we've watched, shopping, drawing pictures, listening, driving. so much driving. i remember driving in the mountains with you... the old music we sang... i remember holding you so close in the van. it was always snowing. making food. sitting on the floor on new years eve. so many little gifts. so many jokes. too many memories. they are a virus in me. they flood my eyes until i blink them away. they get caught in my throat and i cannot swallow. i can hardly breathe. they burn my skin and my blood stops cold. no one knows me like you do. like you did. all of my favorites were our favorites. all of my words were our words. i still can't believe you're gone. i jumped just now. when the tears finally fell. i wasn't expecting them. i've tried so hard to keep them in. i wear too much make up now because i need to remember not to cry. i hope that when you read this you cry. i hope that you feel something. i wont know, but i hope. i hope that you think of me before you fall asleep. i hope that you've tried to come back. i hope that you've tried to dial my number for no reason. i hope that you didn't hear me say i love you the last time. i wish there never was a last time. the last image i have of you is your back. the only thing i want to see is you turn around.
everything is not going to be okay.


- posted by angela @ 4:20 PM