[we're choked. me and you.]
so... i can't sleep. again. i don't know. i just like rainy mornings. yesterday was gloomy sunday. a good day. the past twenty one days have been good. [disbelief] great. i have been rescued. i was so lost. i was there. for every moment. meaning every word i said. the important things in me weren't lost completely. i did what i had to do and just because i have a season to name it after doesn't mean it was a waste and a memory. i was just... outside through it all. i watched myself... i allowed myself to do things... i was fucking SOCIAL. i was fucking transparent. i danced a lot... i took my shirt off even. i put time and effort into something that i could [and did] drop in a second. [i have the 500 dollar phone bill to prove it] it was worth it. worth. some people may disagree. some people may spend hours discussing my choices. hours spent blaming and feeling betrayed... or maybe minutes... or maybe some people don't care. i guess the ones that do can do what they want with "the caring". they can take all the care and swallow it and vomit it back up onto anyone who will listen. i guess some people have to care so much for the care that others don't have. like myself. basically - if you truly don't care - act in such a way. sometimes when you type the same word over and over again it looks incorrect after a while.
stephany has a beautiful way of putting words on paper. [she should pick her notebooks up from my place. they have been here for months.] i'm really not entirely misanthropic. i guess. i put effort into seeing people. oh wait. entirely misanthropic. i was hit by a man today. the story- shaun and i like food and wegmans and all that has to do with chips and tofurky and vegan french onion dip and chips and tofutti products in general. we hit up wegmans whenever we find some cash in our pockets and last night was no exception. normally i pull into the liverpool wegmans parking lot at around 50 miles an hour, turn left to find a parking spot, nearly flipping the car, but tonight i found myself braking in front of cones. [and not the good kind] the fucking orange and white pieces of plastic that usually mean some fat slobs are slowly breaking up pavement to put down more pavement. so i had to find my way around these crap pieces [because they're bright and look like fun to run over, but really just make a thump noise and come right back upright] and fucking park. venturing inside, we already have complications. apparently it was bro night and there were some eXtreme doods in the parking lot using the word cunt excessively. looking to my better half, who was obviously becoming increasingly annoyed, i reached into my camo purse to move my sharp metal object directly to the only appropriate place for a hardcore chick living in the tuff streets of syracuse, ny. [my right, front, jeans pockets - of course my jeans were rolled up] fast forward to the check out line. [pain is coming back] i had to pee. [i've had to pee a lot lately. i have been sick. it is unawesome] i wanted to pee, but the restroom was occupied. in line we noticed a man... a man with a pony tail. he had a sticky icky aroma about him and was purchasing some heavy duty chocolate bars. in conclusion, this man was higher than a giraffe's ass. [one day that will get old] without any conflicts, two thirds of gloom patrol depart for popito's. it was rainy and it was dark. a rather new and different decision to drive carefully entered my mind and just as i was following the line of cones out of the parking lot, groom groom looks behind me and yells. with a sudden and rather embarrassing response, i scream. after shaun describes what just happened as, "some fucking old bitch just hit us." we get out of the car. mr. pony tail wearing, pot smoking, candy bar eating fag breath gets out of his mini van [shaun and i hate mini vans] and i prepare for the worst. instead of shaun fighting some old dude who happened to get the munchies at the wrong time, he decides to tell the man that it's not a big deal and not to worry about it. still shocked and realizing that i did nothing wrong [for once] i get in the car and we leave. the dent isn't so bad, but right turns don't sound to good. we'll have to get that taken care of. just don't smoke pot if you're fifty and have a pony tail. so now my "never being pulled over, never being in an accident" claim has now diminished. [in a week] BUT neither were my fault so i still and always will win. [being pulled over was actually somewhat amusing. one - state troopers are supreme beings who should not be provoked to call ambulances when someone needs to take seizure medicine. two - there is no two because i have still received a ticket even though i was pulled over because they didn't see the license plate in the back window.]
it's raining much harder now. i'm still not tired. i don't want to wake shaun up by trying to fall asleep. desire to do anything is pretty much come and go lately. today is supposed to be "fresh start day." it is a monday. i need a job, i need to fill prescriptions, i need to go the the department of motor vehicles, and i need to sleep for the first time in seventeen hours. call me a skeptic, but sleep is pretty much the only thing i see getting done on "fresh start day."
love is a funny thing. i fell in love one time. i let it grow for a couple years and then killed it. then i wished i could love for a while, but only found myself turning around. when i came back i realized that i had only wished i could love because my real wish was to have something more than the only thing it would ever be. as it turned out i really was the only one that had no expectations. i do that often. expect nothing. it's not a preparation thing. i don't intend to hurt people. if i could return to a time before involving myself in a situation where i would end up hurting another person, i would do things differently. unfortunately time travel is only a wish and like i've said before - if wishes were omelets, everyone would be filled with cheese and little chunks of ham and peppers. basically, i don't like hurting people. i don't do it on purpose, but i don't do what i do for anyone else. when i want something [something that comes rarely in a way i have been fortunate enough to experience again] i don't sit back and wait for it to go away. any other case would be different. so i am done with that. i guess i still feel like some people deserve explanations... maybe more, but this is all i am willing to give. i gave up happiness and love once for what i thought would be freedom and self-realization, but it just turned me into someone i was beginning to dislike. so all i will apologize for is trying to be more like my friends.
i'm sorry that i never said goodbye to you, jacob.
i'm sorry for wishing i could live carefree and young, stephany.
i'm sorry i cannot be simple like you, michael.
i am sorry that i tried so hard to believe and reciprocate the feelings that you had, joe.
i'm sorry i cannot be considerate of every single emotion you might end up having, ashley. [i am also sorry that i cannot wake up every day knowing that i have never done anything to anyone, but continue to be hurt by the people who are supposed to care the most]
i am sorry that i did not know all of these things before i decided to leave you, james, but i am glad that you are finding happiness now and hope it is endless.
shaun, i'm sorry that i was so far when i wanted to be so close. i'm sorry that i held my feeling in for so long and have bad timing. i'm sorry for any shit that you might get because of that. [but we are a flower now, so you will forgive me]
summary - i expect nothing, so forgiveness is only a wish. however, i don't apologize for forgiveness. i only apologize because these are the people that are worth something to me. [even if i'm worth nothing or less to them]
my summer was not a waste or just a memory. i will continue to learn and grow. [what else am i going to do with all of this rain?]
- posted by angela @ 8:22 AM