[crucified by the sun]
...[there's nothing to find out here]
anyway... it's not late enough... by that i mean not dark and i am awake. all for a job. yeah... got a job. not proud. i would rather sleep until the sun falls... daily. i'm not really whining. not really. so i did the colorado thing for a while... had some sun... that didn't rule... it was great to see b and ashley. my mother almost pulled me into an argument. two even. she's good at hitting the soft spots. i didn't let it get to me. [one hour - pick up nick] i have been playing super mario sunshine for about seven hours a day now. it would be nice to have some more intellectual games... well just something not mario would be nice... resident evil.... lord of the rings... whatever. someone get me an xbox live... well, none of it matters anyway- because i am a working girl now... except the hoes are across the street from where i work. but i'll be working a lot and hopefully nights soon and then we'll see who's laughing... because i'll be sleeping when it's nice and bright and you will be ......... i really don't know why i'm talking like this. anyway... there's a theme to this post... it has to do with me hating the sun. it's not even daytime really... just the fact that everytime i go outside during the day i get blinding headaches and nausea. probably a problem. i just realized that i have a biopsy thursday and i'm supposed to start working that very same fucking day. awesome. i've put off these cancer tests since october. something about spending every day with someone dying from cancer makes you not really want to go find out if you have some for yourself. i finally met the "tomalley". i was impressed. this brings me to more self-doubt filled crap. he is in the process of finding himself. i want that. after watching someone else try to improve on the little things only he can see as faults, i realized that i had a lot of work to do. because i have faults that not only i can see. fuck. one day i'll be a good writer. anyway... that night [morning, really] i took a drive. i drove from my brand new giant house right in the middle of the city i have been drawn to for years to oswego, new york. a void in the spectrum of interesting. it was almost five when i walked out of our dark room. i spoke to him silently and he was screaming at me inside my head as i looked at him one last time. i began on eighty one south heading north. exciting. north syracuse passes... second to last step in "my life thus far". my father lived there. finished high school there. left james there. lived with shaun there. met stephany there. tried to kill myself there. - continuing down eighty one north, off exit 29n, onto four eighty one north... thoughts - "can't go back now." turn on the radio. "if i was a rich girl... na na na na na na na na na na na na na nah" sing along. actually listening to those lyrics made me search for the yeah yeah yeahs which i like to keep close by in case of an incident like this. [i could go on about why i switched from bratty ska rocker turned glam inarticulate trainwreck to proud vague trainwreck, but that should do it for you anyway] so i fumble around for the soundrack to my life [fever to tell] and throw it in the cd player before swerving off the road. i'm not a good driver. i admit it. especially at five thirty in the morning. driving on with all the north syracuse bullshit in my mind i come to the long 14 minute stretch of highway from clay to fulton. i remember counting the minutes when i was younger... see - growing up in a small town you tend to get excited about leaving and going somewhere bigger. such as a mall or even the city... that road was a staple in excitement for my youth. well, it beat "walking the bridges". as my soundtrack became less ambient and more droney, i arrived. hometown, usa. fulton for those of you who haven't been paying attention. so much to tell and so little that matters. continuing down 481... stop at 4th street... straight until three, right on three, past fifth street [the one my old house is on] down three.... kelley's old house... chris killed himself there...sixth street - ashley and i used to walk up and down it a few times every day going back and forth to our houses... left on seventh... there's dustin's old house. dustin introduced me to love and heartbreak. [youth] straight... nora's grocery... every morning i would go in there. straight. seventh turns into 176. paul's house on the left. 15 minutes of road ahead... it begins to snow. soft. it's dark. i pass the airport. i see "the light". emotions start flaring up. images of a childhood i never had flash in and out of my head. my stomach begins to twist with lack of sleep and nervousness. "is he going to be there? i don't know what i'm going to say. he's not going to be there anyway. he has someone now, too." more road. the slaughterhouse. he dropped me off there that morning when josh finally found me. we said goodbye the first time. sabrina's old house on the right. those nights were the best. staying up all night. having people pick us up and staying out until morning. listening to punk rock. driving again. someone passes and forgets to turn off their highbeams. i mutter "fucking idiot"'s until i'm satisfied. come the the stop sign. stupid sketchy gas station across the road never had anything good to drink. right on four. left on twenty nine. tj once pulled over and tried to get me to drive the van one afternoon. straight... around the turn. josh's house. josh's parties. josh's basement. maps comes on. my eyes blur as i pass the road mike lived on. "fucking asshole" some more straight. right on one oh four. the other gas station. the better one. supplied lots of pringles, flavor twists, and vanilla pepsi's. left on twenty nine. i can see the lights from towers. i can see the steam. "that's where i live." "in the smoke stacks? i think your house is on fire." the bar on the left is where my mom used to get drunk and play volleyball every night when i was about eight. she was responsible. instead of turning right, i turn left. "there is no [sobs] modern romance" it takes a while to get to the tree, but i get there. i just sit in the car and stare at it. like it's going to tell me what to say. i should've gotten out. i should've walked over to it. i don't know why i didn't. the past two years flash through me like an electric shock. i can't hold back my tears anymore and i decide to actually see if he's home. i drive back the way i came. pretend i see his car pass me and decide he's not home. something pushes the gas anyway and i make my way down the hill to his road. there's more snow out there. more cars, too. hard working people slowly making their ways out of nowhere. the car comes to a halt and without me realizing that i am across the street in front of his house. i made it a point to park far enough away to not be able to see if his car is in the driveway or not. my shaking hand dials his number. it rings and i want to hang up. it rings again and i know he's sleeping. it rings again and i consider that he might ans- "hello?" a sleepy mrs. ferguson answers. "my family hates you." comes into my head and i quitely apologize and ask for jim. a distant angry voice, "who is it?" "it's kristy" considerate sleepy footsteps. i turn my head and glance at the house. "i am such a jerk. why am i doing this?" knocks on the door... "kristy?" "actually it's angie........." "he's not home. he's not here." click. i sigh. not relief. i hope i don't have to do this again. i drive a bit and turn around in a nearby driveway. reverse. a long horn behind me and bright lights. i almost backed into someone coming down the road. instead of pulling back in or driving i stop. i cry. i don't remember when i decided to leave, but a few horn-friendly cars sped past. i drove home. the only home i have now. when i walked in our room, all i could see were his eyes fluttering open. i smiled softly. i silently promised him i'd come back and i surprised myself by keeping it. i dropped my clothes on the floor and climbed next to him in bed. he held me close and asked, "is it over?" i replied, "it's over."
- posted by angela @ 11:19 AM