[maybe you could be my ocean, but keep in mind, darling, i prefer to drown.]
fight it. ignore the empty cavity that was your heart. ignore how it aches as if it's still capable of working properly. put on your make up as if it's not going to stream down your cheeks when no one's looking. write these words as if you don't wish you could be removed from this and taken somewhere... better. sincerely believe every word he says. he wants to mean it. wait. hold on for as long as you possibly can for the one moment you catch yourself smiling and allow it to take over. spend hours remembering that one touch or one look. or all of them. together. close your eyes when he drives so you don't know if death is around the corner. if there's even a corner coming up. remember the beaches, remember the mountains, remember the cities. the hundreds of people around. watching you walk by. notice. let him think he loves you, too. allow him to believe that you are something special... something worth.. it all. even it if it's not true, it still makes you wake up in the morning. pretend your mom wanted what was best for you and not her. pretend you went to your friend's house that night seven years ago. false memories are the best. this is a hard one. try very hard to erase their eyes from you every time you close your own. put a better picture there. ignore the pain when he touches you. focus on how good it could feel in a diffent time at a different place. to a different person. sleep as long as you can. dream. time doesn't exist there and you can do whatever you want. watch his eyes and don't look away. hold his hand and don't let go. leave and don't regret. fight it. fuck. you forgot your anniversary trying to stay alive.
- posted by angela @ 3:44 AM