[what has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun.]
okay. fuck.
i want to complain about all the horrible music i've heard on vh1 in the past twenty minutes. i could probably say a ton about veganism right now because i'm in that mood. i just replaced a bunch of swear words with other words or just took them out. and then the second word on this thing is fuck. i've limited my swearing to pretty much that one word. and haven't limited my use of that word much today. i'm not sure what my problem is. i saw a hundred million people tonight and i didn't really want to see anyone. at all.
joe. hours away. and work. i'm more excited about going to work than driving to denver, but i think we'll go down to sixteenth street and blow some time.
avoidance. um... stalling. my head is going to essplode. fuck!
okay.
here.
[i received a message from an old friend earlier and i've been nauseous since then]
"i had a dream last night, and you were in it. i don't remember what all we were doing or anything, but we talked and stuff. we really did. maybe laughed -- i'm not sure. anyway, some dreams are weird, you know, and pretty far from the truth. but i don't think that this one has to be. at least that's what i was thinking today: we should talk and maybe laugh. maybe. i mean for my part, i thought we made decent friends. you know. and if i'm a jerk for thinking it's that easy, i really don't mean to be. it's been a while, though. hasn't it? hi..."

sighs. many. i can't do this. life thing. i'm not real. and i don't forget. listen. i think we were good friends. and there was some fun. but i don't feel like laughing. not right now anyway.
see...
what the fuck is my problem? people are amazing. and resilient. and i used to consider this person to be one of the more genius aspects of human-ness instead of just a waste of silly sarcastic comments and funny hair and piercings.... like a lot of the other people i consider friends.
friends?
what?
i don't have any.
wait...
i can count on one hand the people in my life that matter. and i got little hands.
and my heart is pretty small, too. and cold.
maybe i'm just tired.
but that's not it. maybe i need to really sleep. and stop dreaming.
wow. honesty.
i'm a fucking dreamer.
i'd say 'there i said it.' but that phrase makes me sick. truth.
um...
anyway i just can't handle reality right now. i think that's why i'm nervous about joe coming here. he's just alive in 'the now'. hanging in life. i can't do that. if i'm not dreaming about yesterday or tomorrow i'm not living. i'm struck with life and not willing to endure it.
wah.
and i'm glad that there's so much shitty music on vh1 and mtv. um.... so can we please keep the shit[bad music] on the radios and mainstream television and just recognize that it is shit and acknowledge greatness where it is deserved. congrats, mwy.
or....0
more bands need to kick their singers out and be instrumental, too. [well, except mwy.] so much more can be said in "the scene" when there isn't some skinny ass white male saying it.
[neglected that swearing thing. whooops]
okay.
this nameless genius of a person has my respect and silence. because i'm scared. but so what. i've got my cd's and complaints about everything. i don't need anything else.
lies!
i've had such a hard on for affection lately it's pathetic. you could probably see me walking down pearl street reaching out for anyone any night of the week.
not just anyone.
and that's not really me either. because i'm usually not willing to be around large amounts of people.
but is anyone just anyone anymore.
self-importance.

god.

there's something.
'god is love and love is real.'
that's all i have so far. and i took it from someone else, but he wont mind. he's good at giving. and he should know it.
if someone has inspired you in your life, let them know. it's better than them being a 'hottie.'
the love we give to beauty over intelligence is disturbing.
wah some more.
but seriously.
acknowledge someone for saying something that touched you and changed your life.

and i'll send that letter out tomorrow!
for real this time.
probably.

revision.
what?
it's my job. as editor in chief of my verbal hypocrisy.
that whole blah up there wasn't my attempt at 'forgiveness and love will keep this world together.'
and a lot can be said here about star wars and anger and the dark side.
but i've been hurt.
so what does that say about people?
because i refuse to believe that 'some just suck.'
and karma?
it's a cycle. it's not karma to me right now. maybe someday.
because i've hurt people.
and i don't suck.
but 'deserving' something isn't real.
for all you masters of the obvious....
'getting what you give.' is just an excuse.
its a phrase that makes us feel better when we've been hurt, but we weren't thinking about that when we were doing the same exact thing.
i think we, humans, are only equipped with enough intelligence to believe what we say, but we will never fully understand our own words. because there isn't much meaning behind it all. you can love.
go ahead.
it will last as long as you want it to.
you say you love that person and you do. you don't fully understand it, but you do. and then you stop. don't lie. you know you do. it ends. sometimes it starts and ends at different times between people. either way... you are in control. always.
so if you hurt someone and then you get hurt a while later... it's not karma.
it's just life happening.. stop connecting the dots.
and by life...
i mean... scientifically. biologically. because the phrase, 'that's life.' is probably the most ridiculous one out there.
you are life.
you are god.
you are in control.
so whether you love or hate or laugh or cry...
you're going to decide which part you like the most.
and continue or end.
and positive or negative... those things are real. real made up.
i mean come on. good, bad, right, wrong, positive, negative... they're all the same thing.
we're just sticking words to reality into oblivion.
and then we end up like my mother.
who i like to believe for the most part is a complete waste of intelligence.
because the capacity we have as humans is great and devastating.
and i can keep talking about this.
but i'd rather act in which ever way 'i like the most.'
because that's life.
desire. raw.
how can most people understand that how much money you have doesn't mean much, but they don't understand that how much love you have means pretty much nothing as well?

so am i thankful for what i've learned in my life so far?

yes and no.

get it?

and all of this has little to do with the message i received earlier. that whole thing could've been ended with 'i'm scared of you.', but i thought you'd appreciate this... because you gave my little brain a lot of experience last year. thank you. forgiveness. and love.
- posted by angela @ 3:44 AM