[sometimes the things i do astound me. mostly whenever you're around me]
yesterday was valentine's day... it ended a few hours ago. i tried. i made an effort. something was missing. intimacy. took the day off or something. i am not warm right now. and i cannot sleep. i'm going to colorado tomorrow. going back. just for a week. just a short visit. then i start working when i get back. having something to look forward to before you even leave is... a weird feeling. i want it now. i want to skip my trip. or exclude some people. i just want to see b and ashley. the only reason i decided to go was because her birthday is next week. maybe it will be good for me. some fresh air. seeing those mountains again. it's an eerie feeling, though. a not so distant reminder of the theme of my life in colorado. i didn't really live there. not mentally. all that place ever did was keep me away from what i wanted to be near the most. now everything's different. one year and my life has turned in a whole new direction. sometimes it seems like a joke... or a dream. more like a dream. like i'm supposed to wake up in colorado and say, "wow... when i go home i wont fuck up that badly." but did i fuck up? am i not in a better place? i am happy. i am in love. i would do anything for the person i love. why the fuck am i leaving? it's only a week, but i thought i would never go back. today has marked so many changes. so many disappointments coming to an end. i was supposed to use today to convince him that i chose him. that through all the people in my path that lay hurt, he is the reason. sacrifices? i am evil. process of elimination? am i cloaking my doubts? i shouldn't post this. it's these moments. when i can't sleep. when i want absolutely nothing in the world. these are the moments when i lose hope. i lose myself. and this is why i chose him. because he brings me out of those moments. he doesn't pull me into them and he doesn't keep me there. i can go to bed. lay next to him with my hand on his and drift to sleep. and when i wake up, it really is a new day. and i can get through anything. and he's the only thing in my life that has ever had that effect on me. right?
- posted by angela @ 3:19 AM