[but after a while i wonder... where's that love you promised me. where is it?]
okay. 1. i love sunn. okay 2. i want to exist in a state where i'm floating in the atmosphere of this world with headphones on only playing sunn. everything else is too much. little blonde girls sit in the library in their pajamas wasting their raspy voices to discuss their weekend plans. poor, lonely foriegn men stand in the back of a restaurant kitchen and sexually harass rushed waitresses who have given up on thier hopes and dreams to scrape a few bucks off a table. a sixteen year old girl watches her mother rock herself to sleep on a bathroom floor after she spent the past few hours snorting coke off the sink. a father wakes up to a programmed noise, and is programmed for the rest of his day to follow the routine. he drives in his car to work because he thinks he has to. he explains things to clients that they think they need to know. he shuffles through papers and files because he thinks they hold a value. his boss thinks they're more valueable than his paycheck. two people, connected at first sight, force their bodies apart because the sun decided to come up again. if heaven really exists why haven't there ever been mass suicides? or is that why every one smokes and destroys their bodies with drugs and alcohol? did humans invent their only destruction? we smoke because it's a sure-fire way to get dead. we fuck everyone in hopes to get a disease and die. we hurry around and drive fast to die in a car accident. we force chemicals into other animals to make them taste better so we can eat them and die from it. i want to sink into the ocean and feel the life down there devour me like any other dead fish. i want an old willow tree to extract my nutrients from the ground i lie in just to live a couple more years before someone cuts it down and lays pavement over my head. i want a cold, heartless person to pick me up off the floor, use me and throw me back down on the floor again. i want to drag my fingernails through sheet rock. i want to watch people fall so deeply in love with each other and walk up to them and whisper in their ear that it wont last. i want to inhale polluted air. i want to swim in the toxic agents we carelessly dump across our water. i want to be lied to. i want to be treated badly. i want to wear these sad eyes for the rest of my life. and after all of that i don't want to tell anyone about what i had seen or what i had been through. i want to keep it a secret. i want to disappear.
in the happiest moments of my life there has always been a little blue light off to the side. but that little blue light always fades and i'm not exactly willing to wait for it to tease me again.


do you remember when we were too nervous to call each other so we stayed up every night talking to each other online... until one morning at around four thirty you finally called? it was august 20th. i wish i never answered that call.
- posted by angela @ 2:46 PM