[attempts at living]
i was trying to do this last night, but i didn't get very far. one day... seven hours... thirty two minutes... but for me? a lot longer. you want to know my thoughts? too bad if you don't. this is my journal. one time i made shaun an account on here. to write. he was an amazing writer. i don't know how long this will take me. i just want to fill this with him.
one. i am sitting here a computer filled with shaun's obsessions. there are pictures of him and of soma. his favorite songs. his words. choke. sometimes i wonder what i am doing here. then i look up at rasha and helanah. their torn faces. half smiling. always crying. i feel like a water boy. standing in a running stance ready for someone to fall. keeping everyone just barely awake. they look at me and remember who i was in relation to shaun. i was shaun's tiny bear. we were assholes. read the old posts. some old away messages

ain't no bein' subtle, when alls i want is butthole..
band room? yeah.. you know.
big couch + hoodies + pajamas + blankets + shaun = i love my life
caaaaaaaaamping
chi chi birdy and i are running away. bye.
don't ever think for one second that we give a fuck
i rove my chi chi birdy.... he roves me.
obviously being cooler than you...
RELAPSE WITH CHI CHI BIRDY.
rotting, but not alone.
you still shouldn't think for one second that we give a fuck

we had some fun. we went camping at the end of august. best weekend ever. we just layed around reading magazines and playing with fire... buying ice cream. we went to philly. his litte face lit up as soon as we got there. if i could've taken him more i would've.
i used to sit here with him.. and take a million pictures of us. we hid out down here for days. we didn't talk to anyone. we just cooked and watched movies and laughed. he danced around. he was always dancing. always smiling. when did everything go wrong? more doctors appointments.. another surgery. he made me sneak in at night and sleep with him in the hospial. then joe and i snuck him out and he got to skateboard in the parking lot until one of his nurses caught us. a kid with so much joy in his life to get out of his hospital bed and skateboard after having brain surgery. he was incredible. he also walked around the halls with the back of his gown untied so everyone could see his little butt.


it's monday... no.. tuesday?
happy birthday shaun.

I catch a hint of how you smelled
On the 1st day that we met
As I hang up your blue pants
Next to mine, we're intertwined
In my closet and I'm reminded of
The greenest eyes that ever burned from behind
Crabtree and Evelyn
Neither could have known the plans that were in store
I'm seeing our home again
You're decorating
The walls with pieces from the waters of your shipwrecked past
Trying to make sense of how two of the darkest lives
Came together to give this world light
A world that's cracking and leaking all around me
I can spend my day knowing my love for my lady
Every song we hear, was written just for you and for me
We can show up late and leave early
I catch a hint of how you smelt
On the 1st day that we met
I feel the aching and yearning of being that you bury in me
The gift of the moment I'm in reminds me of
The greenest eyes that ever burned from behind

that was his song to me. i have so many things to say. it's all i think about. what i want to say about shaun. all the people i want to apologize to for the loss. my heart is sunken. today was the hardest day of my life. on top of all of this i have the piece of shit idiot i thought was more important than shaun at one time bothering me. i can't even censor my words.. these are just thoughts. fuck you if it offends you.
for tonight...
one. i bought shaun these huge sunglasses for his birthday three years ago. and it was the first time i told him i loved him. he kept them. and the card.
two. everyone that could get over their drama and come to the services yesterday and today.. thank you. to anyone that cried or cared or just felt sad about shaun's death... i am forever sorry. i'm so sorry.
three. i'm still waiting for him to come down and take more pictures with me. he's still in this house. he's still home. i feel him all around me right now. he's not here.
four. i have over seven hundred pictures of shaun and myself. there are about two hundred pictures he took of himself. some were at the funeral home. probably twenty videos of him screwing around. if you remember being in a video with him, i'll send it to you. emily.. i have some pictures for you. danielle.. you two were amazing.
five. i can't sleep. we never slept at night. we sat up talking and eating and playing and watching movies. 'who is this is?'
six. i'm so glad so many people could come together because of this. it's probably the only good thing that has come out of it. people being there for one another.. saying it's going to be okay and they're only a phone call away. amazing. i hope everyone's phone bill is fucked over this. i know mine already is. continue being there for one another. i know how much it has helped rasha and helanah. all the support. i promise they wouldn't get through it without you. anything you can do. do it.
seven. shaun luu memorial website. this is going to be a big deal. we already have a lot of stuff together, but we would really like anything we can from his friends. stories, pictures, poems. luumail@hotmail.com is the email address to send that. or odieuxfille@hotmail.com that's me.
eight. 777
nine. shaun would want you to listen to sunn right now. or joy division. and don't go download it. buy the fucking cd. also.. his cd collection is still here. it always will be in his room with all of his other things. if you feel like adding to the collection just mail the cds or vinyl just mail them or give them to one of us at a show. seriously. the last time we counted it was over 2000.
ten. i can't do this anymore. i want to wake up now.
- posted by angela @ 11:30 AM