[twelve hours to vegas]
things are running through my head... memories like small nails you hammer into the wall to hang up a curtain with... memories like little screws that hold together a paddle boat. memories.
redundance.
i don't want to push any more buttons. not on my phone, not in an email, not on an atm machine. i just want one button on my heart. to shut it off. yesterday i came to the realization that i have not been around people in so long that it's nauseating enduring human contact.
take in the twilight.
emptiness.
what is this emptiness all about? how can my body physically interpret and re-enact my emotion. sleep is non-existant.
suge will duck down and crawl/walk when i say the cops are coming and he hides when i say you're going to go back to jail. but everytime i look at him i'm reminded of those nights. they were only last week.
but not really.
lets be honest.
seven months.
not knowing.
words.
always just words. that's all it ever was. maybe a few touches. a few looks.
how long does it take for this to go away?
time doesn't heal.
i've seen healing. i've watched skin re-grow. bruises fade.
someone once said to me that they're not worried about being with a fucked up girl because they know they could never hurt them as much as they would hurt themselves.
what if the self inflicted hurt was finally healed by the one person... so they could be the one hurting her? now she can't do anything. sits. stares. just fucking staring out the window as cities pass by... every second... a sound.. a word.. a memory... and it wont end.
- posted by angela @ 4:35 PM