[i'm lucky i made it out alive]
and all or what little joy in the world seemed suddenly simple and endlessly mine.
this is post number 200.
after almost four years the term progress might come to one's mind, but one shouldn't be fooled into expecting so much.
i lack expectations.
helps with the avoiding real emotions thing.
so. no progress.
i can deal with that.
sometimes i convince myself that i have to deal with a lot all of the time.
really, though... i have great people in my life.
here is some appreciation.
probably the only time you'll hear it from me. read on.
i'm doing fine.
i. am. fine.
okay?
get it?
i am alright. i will be okay. everything's fabulous.
really. and i owe it all to the people that are that are there. every day. or almost.
[...as I go showing off again, self impressed by how well i can put myself down. and there i go again, to the next further removed level of that same exact feigned humility. this for me goes on and on to the point of nausea.]
but, seriously. that's how i feel most of the time.
i would like to talk less. i think.
being practically alone for a year in LA kind of killed my social skills.
i'm in my head. all the time.
and what comes out isn't so much what i want people to hear.
i guess lonliness...... is a factor.
no!
i'm not lonely. i'm fabulous.
for instance:
i would rather watch people get drunk and dance like retards on a friday night than.... not... remembering friday nights.
i would fucking love to wake up at seven, slowly get ready, go to work when i'm ready and not running out the door, put on my sunglasses, listen to something that wont get past the intro until i'm there, walk slowly into work without 7 feet of snow on either side of me and cars swerving by, sit there, leave work, go to the gym and make my heartbeat match david bowie songs, make dinner, read, study, sleep, and the same thing all over again.
i'm into saturday and sunday.
sunday is usually reserved for winelounging and sushi and long conversations about philly during a movie that we really want to watch, but cant shut up long enough to catch our favorite parts.
saturdays should consist of warmth, comfort, a ton of great people in the room having completely incoherent conversations. i wouldn't hate for one of those conversations to be the kind that actually makes you think. makes you eager and confused. i want to meet that shit head on.
but really, there's a bunch of snow and everything's flying by.
and i'm short.
i can barely catch my breath.
i'm hungry and dirty and i want to take a shower.
thank you if you know me and care that these things are important to me.
i'm not looking for anyone to get in the way of these things. i promise.
and to those of you who are there for me or listen to me or remind me or keep me going, thank you.
i mean it.
- posted by angela @ 3:06 PM